Programming Jokes
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Programming Jokes
A geographer, a physicist, and a programmer went on holiday to Wales where they encountered a black sheep.
The geographer said: "gentlemen, I have just made an amazing discovery: all Welsh sheep are black."
The physicist replied: "no, my good friend: this only means that, in Wales, there is at least one sheep that is black."
Then the programmer pipes up: "gentlemen you are both wrong. All that we know for certain is that, in Wales, there is at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black."
The geographer said: "gentlemen, I have just made an amazing discovery: all Welsh sheep are black."
The physicist replied: "no, my good friend: this only means that, in Wales, there is at least one sheep that is black."
Then the programmer pipes up: "gentlemen you are both wrong. All that we know for certain is that, in Wales, there is at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black."
- daven
- Forum Contributor
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- Location: Gaithersburg, MD
- Contact:
In a similar vein:
A biologist, a mathematician, and a programmer were on a safari in Africa, and they came across a white zebra.
The biologist exclaimed: "A white zebra! We will be famous!"
The mathematician replied: "Actually, we only know that one side of it is white."
The programmer said: "D*mn it! Another bloody special case."
A biologist, a mathematician, and a programmer were on a safari in Africa, and they came across a white zebra.
The biologist exclaimed: "A white zebra! We will be famous!"
The mathematician replied: "Actually, we only know that one side of it is white."
The programmer said: "D*mn it! Another bloody special case."
- evilmonkey
- Forum Regular
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- Location: Toronto, Canada
The 11 laws of programming:
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.
8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.
9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
- greenhorn666
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- Location: Brussels, Belgium
- evilmonkey
- Forum Regular
- Posts: 823
- Joined: Sun Oct 06, 2002 1:24 pm
- Location: Toronto, Canada
I love this one:
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it.
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
- evilmonkey
- Forum Regular
- Posts: 823
- Joined: Sun Oct 06, 2002 1:24 pm
- Location: Toronto, Canada
Last one for now:
486:
The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State of the Art:
Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete:
Any computer you own.
Microsecond:
The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3:
Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."
Syntax Error:
Walking into a computer store and saying "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive:
The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI:
What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")
Keyboard:
The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse:
An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy:
The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer:
A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash:
A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User:
Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update:
A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
486:
The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State of the Art:
Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete:
Any computer you own.
Microsecond:
The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3:
Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."
Syntax Error:
Walking into a computer store and saying "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive:
The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI:
What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced "gooey")
Keyboard:
The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse:
An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy:
The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer:
A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash:
A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User:
Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update:
A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
from the fortune "computers" mod
Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are
typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter
keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use
of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is
not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.